I’m having trouble eating and sleeping. I’m upset. This breakup thing is doing a number on me. It’s 6 am and I haven’t been to bed yet tonight, even though the air is more cool and fresh in my room than it has been in about a month. I drank too much vodka and passed out on the couch cuddling my dog for a few hours. Then I woke up at 4:40 am and couldn’t go back to sleep.
I’m starting to doubt myself and feel like I flew off the handle on Sunday when I had that crazy text exchange with Montana. Unfortunately, we’re still in the same boat where he has friends in town and is going to be too busy to talk to me about anything. I don’t know what to do, so I’m just going to write down how I really feel here on this blog. I might copy and paste part of this into an email to him at some point. Or he may never know any of these thoughts and feelings. I just hope to get this out of my brain so that I can go back to sleep for a couple of hours and enjoy my 4th of July as much as possible.
Here goes:
Dear Montana,
I am starting to feel like I flew off the handle on Sunday. I want to tell you what I was thinking and feeling and I’d really like to hear your thoughts/feelings in return. However, I know that you have friends in town and the timing is super awkward to have a conversation like this. So, I’m just going to lay it out here for you and if/when you have the time and motivation to respond, I’d really appreciate hearing your response.
This past weekend I started to feel bad about how things were going between me and you. I knew that I was liking you more and more every day, but it didn’t feel like you were progressing that way. I need more time together and more communication. When we said goodbye on Friday morning, I didn’t realize that we wouldn’t be seeing each other or talking at all for the entire weekend. I knew that you’d be busy getting your house in order, but I thought that I could help you out or just hang out while you worked and keep you company.
When I didn’t hear from you on Friday or all day Saturday, I started to feel sad. This reminded me of the time 2 weeks ago when I called you and you didn’t respond for 6 hours. That hurt my feelings and I felt like I was back in the same place again only two weeks later. I didn’t want to feel this way every other weekend. Then, I realized that you have such a busy month of July lined up that I probably wouldn’t feel this way every other weekend. I would probably feel this way for a month. That’s when I started to think this might not work out and maybe we should just end things so that I wouldn’t have to put my life on hold, wait for you, and end up feeling disappointed.
At first, on Sunday morning, I thought that maybe we could just talk it out and that you could reassure me and set my mind at ease. Then, when it seemed like you were busy and didn’t want to talk to me or even check your phone, I started to freak out. That was not the kind of relationship that I want. That is not worth me turning down opportunities with other guys.
So, as long as I’m laying it out here for you, let me explain what I mean about me turning down other opportunities. Since you and I have been hanging out, I’ve had 4 guys who’ve been interested in me on some level. I’ve turned them all down because of you. The most significant of these is my neighbor. He and I have been through a lot of shit together, but we were happily enjoying a friends with benefits type of relationship up until the night that you first kissed me and made me wonder whether you might have something better to offer me than he ever could.
Remember that night when I made you lasagna and then ended up blurting out, “I really want to have sex with you.” ? I mentioned that if we had sex, then I wanted to just have sex with you and I wanted you to just have sex with me. I said that because I knew that I had the opportunity to have sex with Neighbor at any time, but I didn’t want to sleep with two people at once. I wanted to draw the line and shut down things with him if you were willing to make that same commitment to me. Then, you didn’t even hesitate to agree with my conditions. You actually seemed enthusiastic about having sex with me and only me. That made me feel really good. I hadn’t been able to find a guy who would so willingly make that promise to me…ever.
Unfortunately, my good feeling on the subject didn’t last too long. Saturday night came around and I asked you to come over after your work party. You said you wanted to and that you would call me later. You never called. I cried. That hurt. Then you apologized so I tried to let it go.
Over the next couple of weeks, I started to doubt the promise that I made to have sex with you and only you. I broke the news to Neighbor and he respected my decision. But then he and I didn’t hang out much anymore and I felt an empty space in my life. Most of the time, I felt like you weren’t filling that space. I was ok with seeing you only once a week or so, even though I wanted to see you more. What I wasn’t ok with was barely talking to you in between those days. When we would go 2, 3 or 4 days without talking, I started to feel bad. It made me feel like you didn’t care and you weren’t really into me. And I wondered why I had given up my comfortable understanding with Neighbor in order to feel rejected and ignored on some level almost every week.
Of course, I was occasionally encouraged that things would get better. You did make some effort toward me. You planned a few dates, picked me up, paid for dinner and made me feel really happy. I thought that if I was patient, then you might become more responsive and contact me more often in between those nights. I thought that if our relationship became more established, then you and I would have more of the communication that I wanted and needed.
However, this past weekend made me doubt that this progress I’d hoped for would ever happen. When you were too busy to talk on Sunday, I felt like you would never be able to give me what I need. I knew that you would be busy all week and Sunday was my only chance to talk to you. From my perspective, you were cleaning your house all day and that was more important to you than talking to me when I was freaking out and needed you. I felt like that kind of attitude was a deal breaker and that’s when I sent the text saying that I was thinking about breaking up. When you responded with, “Ok”, I felt like all of my concerns were justified and you really didn’t care about me at all.
Two days later, I’m sad. I’m having trouble eating and sleeping. I guess this means that I really liked you. I’m doubting myself and the way I reacted to you on Sunday. Maybe I was too hasty to suggest that we break up. I had never come right out and told you all of these thoughts and feelings that I’ve been explaining here. Maybe if I was better at communicating, you would be better at communicating too. Or, maybe you really don’t care about all of this and you’d rather just move on with your life.
What do you think? What do you feel? (Do you feel anything?) Please tell me. I’d really like to know.
Hugs,
Vanessa
unvanessasary 