Neighbor’s Hot Date: My Humiliation or Opportunity?

Neighbor always tells me that I need to get angry. I need to really let it rip and tell someone off. Well, maybe it’s going to be him. Last night I texted to ask if he wanted to come over. He said he was tired. I decided not to take no for an answer, so I persisted. Again, he said he was tired and thought we should hang out on Tuesday night because we haven’t seen each other in awhile and we’d have more time to catch up. I wrote back that I agreed, but I just needed a hug. He didn’t respond. At all.

Tonight I saw him walking inside while I was on my way to yoga. I asked what he was up to and he said that he was about to have dinner. He also asked if we were still on for Tuesday night. I said, “I guess.”

Yoga class was awesome and exhausting. Then, when I arrived home totally sweaty and gnarly, I saw a dog that I’d never seen before walking down our stairs. Then I saw that it was attached to a cute, curly-haired girl who I’d never seen before. Then I saw Neighbor’s dog right behind. It happened in slow motion as I silently prayed that he was not walking with her and he was not walking her out from his apartment.

He smiled big and asked, “How was yoga?” I tried to smile equally as big, although it felt more like a grimace. I said, “I’m hot.” He said, “That’s what hot yoga’s for.” And followed her out the front door of the apartment building. She didn’t look back at me and I didn’t really see her face.

Ugh. This hasn’t happened in almost 2 years. Fortunately, the feelings that I’m having right now aren’t quite as strong as they were the last time I ran into him in the hall with another girl.

Lots of stories are running through my head, though. Somehow, I got the feeling that he’d started seeing someone else when I was out of town on my long road trip. When I got back, we talked and hooked up, but it wasn’t very satisfying for me. He definitely seemed to be holding back and was being a bit of a dick.

So, now I think that he must have turned me down last night because he wanted to have the time to tell me that he’s seeing someone else. He turned me down because he didn’t want to hook up with me. And I’d say that’s the first time that’s happened in the 2.5 years that we’ve been hanging out. But I’ve been waiting for it to happen every day for those 2.5 years. So, in a way, this is a huge load off my shoulders.

I’m sure I’m getting ahead of myself. Who knows if he’s actually serious about her or if she’ll put up with his shit for very long. I imagine them dating long term and having many more nights of running into them in the hall. I imagine no more camping trips with Marty because she might get jealous (which is really the saddest part for me.) And I imagine having one less confidant who I can talk to honestly. Oh…and no more quick and easy sex. What would that be like? Right now I don’t think I’d miss it too much, but I’m sure I’d go a little crazy after awhile.

On the flip side, this could open up a lot of opportunities for me. I don’t really think that Neighbor’s holding me back, but I’m sure that he is in some way. I’m just not as motivated to put myself out there and date as I would be if I didn’t have Neighbor. So, here’s my chance. I may already have a date lined up for tomorrow. Two can play at this game, Neighbor.

Where is my self confidence?

Since my last post, I’ve been busy finishing up the school year and enjoying my summer. I have made progress in almost every area on my list. I started voice dialogue therapy and started taking anti-depressant medication. I joined a yoga studio and I’ve been loving it. I also planted a garden with some friends. The summer camp idea didn’t work out, but I have gotten some extra money through baby-sitting and dog-sitting. I got my roommate excited about buying a juicer, so I’ve made a lot of juices. Green juice is the best!

I went on a 2 week road trip and saw my family and my crazy dog. Now that I’m back, I’m looking at 6 more weeks of summer and thinking about the best way to spend my time. I decided to do Dr. Oz’s 3 day cleanse and I’ve been pleased with the results so far. I’ve got a few craft projects going, and I even got an order from my etsy store. I’m applying for some volunteer opportunities to contribute to the community. I started meditating for 10 minutes every morning and learned how to do tarot card readings.

Overall, I’m so much better than I was when I wrote my last post. I’m healthier in every aspect of my life and I feel like I’m on track to a lifestyle that helps me live up to my full potential of happiness and productivity. The question that’s been bothering me lately is: Where is my self confidence?

I’ve repeatedly set goals for myself and reached them time and again. I’m pretty successful in my career and I’ve finished BA and MEd degrees. I have pretty good relationships with my family and I have lots of friends who would do anything for me. But I’m constantly waiting for it to all be ripped away. I feel like I don’t deserve any of what I have and I definitely don’t deserve anything more. I still feel like I’m bad inside and I deserve to be punished by hardships and suffering.

What is that about? Why do I feel this way? And what can I do about it?

Clearly, this feeling is very deep down inside of me. I’ve only become aware of it since I started doing voice dialogue sessions. It feels like a deep thorn in my heart that’s buried by layers of other beliefs. I don’t believe that I’m a good person. I don’t trust my own intentions. I expect other people not to trust me and to think the worst of anything that I do.

So, how do I change this? Does it matter why I feel this way? Actually, I’m pretty sure that I know why. In my voice dialogue session we talked about my earliest childhood memories. I had a memory of my dad yelling at me and spanking me when I was trying to help my little brother by taking the fire poker stick away from him. My dad later apologized, but I still feel sad when I think about that day. My therapist suggested that I probably made an agreement with myself in order to live with parents who have unexpected tempers. Deep down, I decided that it wasn’t their fault. It was my fault. I was the one who was bad and I deserved whatever punishment they gave me, even if I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.

She said that a lot of people do this in order to survive their childhoods and it works out ok. However, once you become an adult, life gets very difficult if you still hold this belief. I have this feeling that I’m doomed to failure, no matter what I do. I don’t want to count on anything or plan for anything because it’ll all probably go to hell anyway. I don’t like to set goals for myself because I don’t feel able to reach them. And I’m terrified of dating because I feel certain that it will end with him breaking my heart.

I don’t want to live this way. I want to feel confident and optimistic. I want to feel like it’s ok to set a goal and it’s ok if I fail. I’ll just set a new goal and try again. I want to feel like I deserve a good life and a loving relationship with a stable, kind man. This feels like a mental zit that I need to pop. 

Some ideas for popping the zit of lies and false beliefs:
1. Positive affirmations. I found one that’s worked really well, “I accept myself as I am right now.” I think it every time I look in the mirror and I feel more beautiful and comfortable with myself every day. Now, I need a simple one that has to do with me being a good person, and I need a trigger to remember to say it to myself. I’ll try, “I’m perfect on the inside.” And I’ll say it every time I go to the bathroom (which is a lot with this cleanse! 😉

2. I have a Tony Robbins book called Awaken the Giant Within. It has a whole chapter about changing your beliefs and various processes to use in order to do it. I’ll have to review that and see if there’s anything that stands out.

3. Fake it until I make it. Maybe if I proceed and act like I have confidence, I’ll grow some somehow. I know that I’ve done this before and it hasn’t lasted. I’ve always fallen back into this pit of self doubt. But while I’m exploring different ways to pop the zit, I’ll pretend that it’s already done and start living my life with more faith.

My friend is about to die from brain cancer…what am I doing with my life!?

In college I had 4 close girlfriends. We went on a road trip to everyone’s hometowns right after graduation. That was an amazing trip and I have so many hilarious memories. We’ve never all been together at the same time since then, but we decided to meet up because one of the girls, Tina, is losing her fight with brain cancer. She’s in hospice now, so we all flew across the country to visit her.

The reunion was amazing. Talking and reminiscing with these girls was so much fun.  Fortunately, Tina is on some really good drugs, so she was herself the whole time. She got tired easily and had to rest a lot, but when she was with us, she was  talking and laughing just like old times. Seeing her handle cancer with such grace was so inspiring to me. It made me feel motivated to deal with a lot of stuff in my life that’s been holding me back. Tina knows that she has only days or weeks left to live and she’s making the most of it. I’ll always admire her spirit, courage and faith.

So, on to the things in my life that I’ve been hiding from. I’m not sure where to start because I think it’s all connected. Hmmm, well, a big one is my $$ situation. I use this as an excuse for not being proactive about my physical and mental health. Yes, I have shitty health insurance that covers almost nothing. Yes, I make enough to pay my bills and not much else. Yes, I’ve been struggling with depression and have used my shitty health insurance and lack of financial resources as an excuse to do nothing about it but cry.

So, it’s time to stop this nonsense. I have a lot of credit available on my credit cards. I still have a few thousand dollars worth of credit card debt, and I’d like to pay it off rather than run up more debt. However, in order to do that I need to work some extra jobs or projects. And in order to do that, I need mental and physical health and energy. So, I need to invest in my health, even if that means more debt in the short term.

And the great part is that once I commit to this path, I may come across extra money that I didn’t expect. Here’s an example that happened just last month. I’ve also had chronic neck and back pain. I’m sure it’s related to my stress over money, depression, spirituality, relationships, etc. But it’s also physical because of the car accident that I had 6 months ago. I thought that the insurance company wouldn’t pay for any treatments, so I was hoping that things would just get better on their own. Ha. Finally, after an easy workout left me feeling awful and achy, I decided it was time to go into debt in order to finance a few trips to the chiropractor.

I started to feel better pretty quickly after visiting the chiropractor. And then they gave me the estimate that the rest of my treatments would cost about $2000. I felt daunted at the idea of spending that much, but I was prepared to charge it and figure it out later. Then, along comes a letter in the mail that I almost threw away. The car insurance company had been trying to contact me because I was eligible for a $5000 medical benefit if I had been injured in the car accident! I called immediately to let them know that I had been injured. Suddenly, I had $5000 to pay for my treatments at the chiropractor. So I’ve upped my visits to 3 times a week and I’m getting a massage once a week. Overall, I’m definitely feeling better, but I still have bad days. I just feel encouraged by these events that the universe will provide a way for me to take care of myself.

So, now that I’m starting to feel somewhat better in my neck and back, I’m still noticing a lot of things that are out of whack with my body. I clench my teeth at night, I still get really sore, tight muscles, I don’t have the energy that I want to have. I still take a lot of pills. Sleeping pills, pain pills, herpes pills, vitamins. Some of this has to do with depression, I’m sure. Some of it also has to do with my diet. So, I’m considering a 3-pronged approach to improve all of these aspects.

To improve mental health, spiritual connection and physical wellness:

1. Voice Dialogue Therapy. My carpool buddy recommended a voice dialogue coach who helped him a lot. Basically, this therapy helps you get in touch with parts of you that you’ve disowned  and strike more of a balance in your personality. I’ve noticed that I have some very persistent, screamy, mean, cruel, horrid inner personalities that make me miserable. My inner critic runs rampant through my brain and so does my pusher, which wants me to be up and doing stuff all the time. I know that this issue is probably the main cause of my depression. So, I’m hoping this therapy could help me tame the wild beasts in my mind, and create more control and balance. Cost: $325 for 3 sessions.

2. Join a yoga studio. Doing yoga more often will help me to improve all three areas. I find yoga really calming and soothing. I also like the effects on my body as far as strengthening and flexibility. I’d also like to explore the spiritual side of yoga a little more including meditation and deep breathing. In addition, doing a lot of yoga makes me more conscious of my body and what I’m eating, which will support my next step in the plan. Cost: $30-$100 per month depending on the studio

3. Start juicing and try cutting out gluten. One of my co-workers is super into juicing and I feel a little jealous of her every time I see her grinding up her fruits and vegetables in the teachers lounge. I’m really craving some juicing in my life and it feels like the right time to start. Costs include a juicer $50-$100 and more fruits and vegetables every week, $30-$40 a month. The costs here are a little trickier to calculate, because I’ll cut out some of the money I spend on certain foods that I can re-allocate to more fruit and veg, but I think I’ll still end up spending more on food every month. Also, cutting out gluten will cost me more when I’m grocery shopping.

4. In the future, when I’m a little healthier and up to the challenge, I want to attend church at the Center for Spiritual Living. This won’t cost me any money, but I’m feeling a little too much anxiety around the whole idea, so I’ll wait until after I have some therapy first.

So, how will I afford this? I’ve got a few ideas there too.

1. Cut down on alcohol. I easily spend about $20 a week ($80 a month) on alcohol at the liquor store that I drink at home. And I probably average $10-20 per week on happy hour drinks and whatnot. That means I could be spending up to $160 a month on alcohol!! Every week I buy either a box of wine, bottle of vodka or a couple six-packs of beer. I have at least one drink almost every day. I’m pretty sure that this is related to depression, anxiety, physical pain in my body and general unhappiness. Also, it’s just a habit to drink something every night after work.

However, I’ve really been noticing ill effects from alcohol lately. I’ve been getting a hot, red rash on my face from drinking. Also, after I had about 6 drinks in one long evening, my feet started to hurt. When I got home, I realized they were swollen. I felt awful. Not worth it. When my money is so tight, I need to spend it on things that make me feel good.

I’m not going to try to completely cut out alcohol, I’m just going to start juicing, doing yoga and drinking tea at night. I think those things will help me to feel good rather than deprived and craving alcohol. And it’s ok if I drink sometimes. I just don’t need as much as I’ve been having lately.

2. Summer day camp. I’ll put on a summer camp for the kids at my school. I’ve started the process as far as getting permission and nailing down the dates. I’m nervous to get started and I know that the depression/anxiety monster is holding me back from going for it. But, if I push through, I could make about $1000 for 20 hours of time with the kids, plus 10-20 more hours of planning time. Not a bad deal at all! This week, my goal is to create a flyer and send it home with the kids on Friday so that parents can start signing up.

3. Baby-sitting, dog-sitting, etc. Again, it’s hard for me to put myself out there like this right now, but I think once I get a little healthier, I won’t have a problem with networking a little bit to find some temporary gigs to make extra money this summer.

4. Writing. I’m also not mentally ready for this right now. But once I get healthier, I have a lot of ideas and cool stuff to create. Once I clear the clutter in my head and get some coaching in the right direction, this could be a serious form of income for me into the future.

So, I’m feeling pretty good right now. I think I have figured out some steps to take as far as improving my health, happiness and inner peace. I’m starting to feel like a real adult who is taking responsibility for her life, rather than a naughty child who isn’t a Christian anymore and must be punished. I think I’ve punished myself long enough for turning away from my faith and it’s time to move forward. And really, I haven’t turned away from all faith. I’ve just moved past the faith that I was raised with and I’m looking for something that’s a better fit for me.

2013 is kicking my ass!

Well, hello there! I realized that I’ve taken almost a 2 month sabbatical from writing this blog. I took a break because I felt like all I was doing was complaining or venting sadness and frustration. I’m not sure why that made me uncomfortable because this is my blog and I can do what I want. Plus, my intention behind it was to put some thoughts and feelings out there anonymously that I might not get to share under other circumstances.

Anyway, I felt uncomfortable about expressing all the negativity that I was feeling. And honestly, it hasn’t gotten a lot better. Here’s a quick rundown of what happened in the last couple of months.

February

My dog started destroying my apartment. It could have been in reaction to my sad, mopey state, but I really started to worry that he would hurt himself any time I left the house. I took him to live with my parents on their ranch. It was so hard! I broke up with Montana and then with my dog less than a month later! The good thing about my dog is that he is much happier now. My parents say he’s well-behaved and doesn’t give them any trouble. I know I did the right thing but I still miss him.

March

My old fuck buddy came to visit. Read about that here.

I met another teacher out at a bar who gave me some serious inspiration for my class. Thanks to her, work has gotten a lot better and a lot more fun.

April

Ever since Easter, I’ve been emotional and bordering on sad and depressed. A big part of it has to do with my family. I missed them on Easter, but of course no one called me. I still miss my dog and even though I’ve made a lot of progress getting over Montana, I miss him too. The loneliness started to set in on Easter. I was really dreading this moment. Without a dog or a boyfriend, I was afraid that I’d fall into loneliness like a depression. My family is so distant. Fortunately, I do have good girlfriends, so I’m trying to reach out to them and talk when I start feeling this way instead of just keeping it all in and isolating myself.

I don’t know what to do or what I need in order to feel better. All I can do is tell myself that this phase will pass and things will get better eventually.

A Past Fuck Buddy Should Stay in the Past

One of my old fuck buddies came to visit. I’ve only had a couple of guys in my life who I consider a “fuck buddy” and this was one of them. We had a great time in Asia where I met him. We had a good chemistry, I thought he was hot, he rocked my world on a few occasions. So, he’s back from Asia and asked if he could visit me to check out my city. I said yes, thinking that it would help me in getting over Montana. But then I wondered if I made the right decision. I knew there was a chance that I would not enjoy hanging out with him at all. And he was staying for a whole week!

So, he showed up and we went out for drinks. I enjoyed our first evening a little more than I expected, and then he made a move that night. I felt uncomfortable about it, but I was curious if I would still feel like he was hot and we had good chemistry. We got in bed, and he took off his shirt. Absolutely no hair whatsoever! Ahhhhh! I had no idea this would bother me so much, but I hated it! Neighbor is so hairy that I’ve gotten used to it and a man with no hair on his chest doesn’t seem like a man to me!

Even though I was turned off by his appearance, I pushed through and we had sex anyway. Oh boy. Even typing that is difficult. I couldn’t even admit it to my roommate. It was not a fun or satisfying time and it was over pretty fast. Then he wanted to spoon me as we slept. When I woke up, I realized that I had scooted to the far edge of the bed to get away from him.

The next day, I was feeling even more awkward because he was still planning to stay for 6 more nights! I went to work and he hung out at my place. Then we went out to hear some jazz. I’m not a big fan of jazz, but I’d heard this place was cool. It was alright. On the way back home, we started talking about our sexual histories. He wanted to know how many guys I’ve slept with. Note to self: Never have this conversation with a potential lover again! I was ok with vaguely talking about my past, but then he turned around and gave me way too much information about his past. 46 women! He’s slept with 46 women! And I’m one of them! My mind started swirling as he gave me more details. Most of these happened during his 3 years in Asia. I wondered what kind of standards he had in order to sleep with that many people in just 3 years. What kind of STI’s has he had? I already have herpes and I don’t want anything else!

He told me this right before bed and then he pounced on me and tried to make out with me. It was such a disconnect in my head. We were in bed and he rolled over and put his leg and his arm across my body. It felt clingy and weird. After just discussing the large number of other women who he’s fucked, I did not want to touch him, but he must have thought it was a turn on. I finally said no and stopped him. I said I was tired. That was not a lie, but I didn’t admit how bothered I was by thinking about the 46!

The next day when I came home from work, he was lying on my bed. So many of my boundaries had already been broken by this guy and I hadn’t spoken up about it. So, I didn’t see a point in starting now. I ran to the kitchen and poured myself a drink. I got a good, slurring buzz on and we went to a basketball game. I actually had a great time at the game despite my companion. That night, I finally asked him to sleep on the couch instead of in my bed.

We went for a drive in the mountains, and to keep him from talking I asked for a playlist of podcasts that we could listen to. We stopped at a brewery for lunch and he made a rude comment about our waitress’ ass. At that point, I knew for sure that I never wanted to kiss him again.

At this point I still had 3 days left and my goal was simply to survive without killing him. I considered kicking him out, but I didn’t think he had anywhere else to go. Instead, I encouraged him to go out on his own to a concert that he wanted to see. He did. And he didn’t come back that night! He said he met up with “friends” (I think it was probably a chick that he met online) and ended up staying up all night with them to smoke pot. Hooray! I was free.

The best part of his visit came when I got home from work on his last night. He had packed up his stuff and was leaving early! He was going to spend his last night with the girl from the concert! Sweet Jesus, I was relieved! I gave him a hug goodbye and told him good luck. I guessed that his number had now increased to 47 and I was happy for him, in a weird way. I wanted him to enjoy his trip, and I think he did, in the end.

So, looks like I’m definitely not up for the “fuck buddy” type of relationship anymore. I already had a hunch, but this situation just verified it. I believe I’ve outgrown that urge and I’d like a relationship with more emotional connection and mutual respect.

A hopeful broken heart

Weekends are the hardest. I look forward to the weekend all week. And when it gets here, I find that I’m not occupied enough and I start thinking about Montana. Maybe it’s also because it’s 2 pm on a Saturday afternoon and this is about the time that Montana and I would normally start to get out of bed after spending the night together. I really started to miss him last night and it’s carried over into today.

During the week I started to feel like I was pretty much over it and I was proud of myself for moving on so quickly. But today I’m not over it at all. I guess that’s the way it goes with feelings like this. They ebb and flow.

Even though I’m feeling sad and missing him, I’m still positive and hopeful on some level. I know I’ll see him again before too long because of our mutual friends. And I feel this great appreciation for him. I don’t feel angry about how it went down. I’m really happy about the conversation that we had and how we ended it like mature adults. I’m glad he was straight with me about his doubts about our relationship and I appreciate that he suggested that we stop messing around.

I’m also hopeful because I think my relationship with Montana was the best of my life so far. I’ve never felt as attracted to and comfortable with any other guy. I never wanted to open up and initiate things with anyone before. And I’ve just never wanted anyone as badly as I wanted him…and still do, sadly. But, I’m hopeful because if that happened once, it’ll happen again.

This time last year my love life was in a slow time too. I didn’t even have Neighbor to hook up with every once in awhile. I had absolutely no one. And I remember feeling like I couldn’t picture myself meeting anyone new and going through the whole thing again. But I didn’t know that I already had met him and things were about to begin. Now here I am a year later. Still feeling like I can’t imagine meeting anyone new and going through the whole thing again. But, in reality, it probably won’t be long before I meet someone new and it all starts again. And that will be a fun day. I’m looking forward to it. Because I learned so much from my relationship with Montana and I have so much more confidence about who I am and what I want. Plus, I’ve had what I want, or very close to it, so I know it exists.

Home sick with the 1/2 flu

I decided to take the day off today because I’m feeling achy and yucky. I didn’t get a sub for tomorrow because I thought I might feel ok to go in tomorrow if I go ahead and lay low today. I really can’t tell if I’m going to be better tomorrow or if this is just the start of something nasty. I wish it wasn’t so difficult to call in sick for work.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting around watching Netflix all day and eating the Jif version of Nutella spread from a spoon. Today is probably not a good day to consider the fact that I don’t feel passionate about anything in my life. I saw some facebook friend’s inspirational quote and it just made me feel sad. I guess I should try to find something to be passionate about. Getting through each day so that I can go to sleep at night isn’t very inspirational or motivational.