A hopeful broken heart

Weekends are the hardest. I look forward to the weekend all week. And when it gets here, I find that I’m not occupied enough and I start thinking about Montana. Maybe it’s also because it’s 2 pm on a Saturday afternoon and this is about the time that Montana and I would normally start to get out of bed after spending the night together. I really started to miss him last night and it’s carried over into today.

During the week I started to feel like I was pretty much over it and I was proud of myself for moving on so quickly. But today I’m not over it at all. I guess that’s the way it goes with feelings like this. They ebb and flow.

Even though I’m feeling sad and missing him, I’m still positive and hopeful on some level. I know I’ll see him again before too long because of our mutual friends. And I feel this great appreciation for him. I don’t feel angry about how it went down. I’m really happy about the conversation that we had and how we ended it like mature adults. I’m glad he was straight with me about his doubts about our relationship and I appreciate that he suggested that we stop messing around.

I’m also hopeful because I think my relationship with Montana was the best of my life so far. I’ve never felt as attracted to and comfortable with any other guy. I never wanted to open up and initiate things with anyone before. And I’ve just never wanted anyone as badly as I wanted him…and still do, sadly. But, I’m hopeful because if that happened once, it’ll happen again.

This time last year my love life was in a slow time too. I didn’t even have Neighbor to hook up with every once in awhile. I had absolutely no one. And I remember feeling like I couldn’t picture myself meeting anyone new and going through the whole thing again. But I didn’t know that I already had met him and things were about to begin. Now here I am a year later. Still feeling like I can’t imagine meeting anyone new and going through the whole thing again. But, in reality, it probably won’t be long before I meet someone new and it all starts again. And that will be a fun day. I’m looking forward to it. Because I learned so much from my relationship with Montana and I have so much more confidence about who I am and what I want. Plus, I’ve had what I want, or very close to it, so I know it exists.

I had to stop at the liquor store to buy a box of wine before writing this…

Ugh. It’s been a shitty day. Before I launch into bitching about what happened, let me tell you that I realize that I have a lot to be thankful for. I’ve listed out a million “look on the bright side” items all day today. Unfortunately, I just can’t feel it. I’m down in a hole and I can’t get out.

It’s this whole dead of winter/grandma dying/ending the relationship with Montana/being broke all the time thing. The combination is getting me down. Oh yeah. And my neck and back have been hurting constantly. I need to go to the chiropractor. But I can’t afford it. Yippee!

So, I’m a middle school teacher. Everybody knows that this job sucks balls. I just so happen to be good at it. Most of the time. Or at least that’s what my principal told me recently. However, on days like today, I feel like I suck ass at it.

I don’t know what it is about this 6th grade class that I teach, but wow. Kids that seem to be well-behaved and normal in every other subject, go wild in my class. To the point that I have to send them out in the hall or make them move across the room to sit in another desk. Then there are other ones who are constantly talking while I’m talking so that I can’t even explain anything to the class. Then there are the ones who pretend that they don’t know how to write out a proper vocabulary list, even though we’ve done it a million times before. Then there are the ones who don’t really do anything offensive themselves, but they laugh at the ones who do.

And I get to teach them again tomorrow. Hooray.

The part that really bugged me today and actually made me cry on 2 occasions is that my schedule has changed. This means that I see the worst 6th grade class in the middle of the day. I used to see them for my very last period. And then I was done for the day and I could go home and forget that it ever happened. Now, I see them in the middle of the day and I have to try to pull it together for my next round of classes. I thought my first semester was hard, but this could very well be worse.

While I’m bitching, I’ll just mention that the other thing that sucks about work is that I’m all alone. I’m the only teacher who teaches my subject. I don’t have a partner or anyone at all who I work with. I feel like I’m just dangling out there alone and struggling to keep my head above water. I know that I need to try to reach out to someone, but I’m not even sure who to go to.

This is a common theme in my life right now. I’m alone. I’m isolated. I feel like I have no one. I think that’s a big part of the reason I wanted to get back together with Montana and felt so crushed when it didn’t work out. I don’t have enough energy on my own to keep slogging along every day. I need help. I need to share my life and my work with someone. Otherwise I’ll just float away and no one will know that I’m gone.

A Slightly Heart-Broken Sunday

Yesterday I kept myself fully booked and busy all day.

I had a book club meeting with some awesome ladies. The only problem was that the club just happened to meet at Montana’s house. One of my best friends, Chuck the girl, is his roommate and she hosted the book club meeting.

He was walking downstairs from his room at the same time that I walked in the front door. We didn’t really make eye contact, but I said hi. He was clearly getting his jacket and keys so I said, “Are you going out?” He said, “Yeah the game doesn’t start until 1 so I’m going to run to the store.” I said, “Ok.”

Not a bad first conversation right after deciding to end our romantic relationship. Then he was gone and I got to relax with the girls as much as I could. Fortunately, we had 2 bottles of champagne for mimosas, so that helped my mood enormously. Eventually, he came back and started messing around with some sort of towel rack or something that he was installing in his laundry room. Then he plopped down on the couch to watch football.

Eventually, after 2 girls left and it was just Chuck, me and Montana, I went and sat on the arm of the couch and asked him who he was cheering for. What I didn’t mention was how I had fantasized that we might get back together this weekend and I would sit on his couch with him to watch these football games. I love watching football, but I hate watching alone.

We chatted amiably for a few minutes and then I had to go meet another friend. I patted him on the shoulder and said, “Have a good day.” He barely took his eyes from the TV screen and said, “Thanks.”

I left his house feeling relieved. We had already seen each other after ending our relationship, and it was relatively painless. I think that all the talking we did on Saturday morning help me a lot. I admitted to him that when I was at his house for book club, all I would want to do is climb on his lap and make out with him. He just laughed. Then, when the actual book club meeting came around, I really didn’t feel the urge. I just felt sad that we were done.

After that I went to see another friend, Milo. She wanted to play basketball at the little court at a park by her place. She is terrible at basketball, but it was really fun to shoot around and talk. I told her all about the Montana situation. She knows him too, and she just shook her head.

Apparently, he just doesn’t have “that feeling” about me. Milo says that she’s had “that feeling” for guys who ended up being soooo wrong for her. She’s happy right now with her current boyfriend, but she never had this big lightning bolt of a “feeling” of being sure about him.

I knew what he meant when he said that he doesn’t have “that feeling” for me, because if I really relax and dig deep, I don’t have it for him either. When I pictured us getting back together, I didn’t feel happy so much as uncomfortably nervous and afraid of getting my heart broken. I couldn’t really picture us being happy together. But part of me still wanted to try, because it might be different this time.

After I saw Milo, I went back to Montana’s house to pick up Chuck for Indian food. She texted me that I was welcome to come inside to wait for her, but I stayed out because I didn’t want to deal with him again. Plus, that urge to jump on his lap and make out with him might come back.

When Chuck got in the car, I knew I had to tell her what happened with me and Montana. Since she introduced us and she’s his roommate, I always feel a bit uncomfortable talking to her about him. Of course, she was great though. She encouraged me that this was the right thing to do and it would help me move forward with my life. She insisted that he would have made me miserable if we had gotten back together.

I know she’s right. I would have had to give up a lot of my hopes and dreams for a relationship if I was going to be in one with Montana. I’d like someone to be my partner in crime and go out to try new things and have adventures. He likes to sit on the couch and watch TV. I’d probably get sucked into watching TV with him a lot. Or I’d be in the same place I am now, which is going out and doing things by myself.

Chuck encouraged me to make a new goal for myself. She said that helped her get through tough times like this. For her, working out became a big goal and gave her purpose. For me, I’m going to choose writing. I’m going to write every day for the next month, starting today, January 21. It doesn’t have to be long, eloquent or genius, but I’m going to write something every day. My first priority will be this blog, because I feel like I have a lot to get off my chest. But, if there comes a day when I don’t have much to say here, I’ll work on my other writing projects instead.

Also, I’m going to go to the Stitch n Bitch craft meetup this Wednesday night. Oh, and Tuesday night there is a free yoga class at a studio near by. I’m starting to feel better already. I just need something to look forward to on evenings and weekends after work. For awhile, Montana gave me that. But now I need to replace it with other things, and they’ll probably make me healthier and more productive.

When I got home from dinner with Chuck last night, I knocked on Neighbor’s door. I told him that I didn’t have to work tomorrow and asked if he wanted to hang out. He said he was tired from the night before, but wants to hang out tonight instead. I wondered briefly what he’d been up to on Saturday night, because I remember hearing his TV through the wall and I thought he was in for the night. But maybe he wasn’t alone…? It’s amazing how little I care about that anymore. The hint that he was hooking up with someone else made me crazy when we first started hanging out. Now, I’d be glad to know that he has someone else because I do too. Or, I did anyway.

All of my friends have suggested that I watch Downton Abbey, so I sat down to watch an episode and drink another glass of wine. My grand total for yesterday was 4 mimosas, 2 glasses of white wine, a hard cider and a glass of red wine. Whew. Lotta drinkin’.

The final irony of yesterday was that I got a text from Wynne. He’s the last guy who I hooked up with when I was still in my “slutty” phase over 2 years ago. I wrote a blog last summer about a time when I bumped into him at a show. The last time we spoke was August. He said we should get a drink soon. I said, “I just broke up with someone.” He said, “Oh, sorry. Bad timing.” I said, “You must have a 6th sense to text me today!” He said, “No, just poor timing, I’m sure.” And then a few minutes later, “But we should still get a drink!”

I just rolled over and went to sleep. I am such a different person than the girl who fell into his bed on the first date. I’m a little curious to go out with him. He was a funny guy and always made me laugh. I really don’t think I’d be tempted to go home with him. We haven’t hooked up for almost 2 years, and I’d be thinking of Montana the whole time anyway. The good news is that I have a lot planned for the week ahead, so I’m probably too busy to see him!

Breaking up with Montana again

Ever since September, Montana and I have been hooking up. It’s been wonderful. I am so attracted to this guy. He went on a long work trip in the beginning of December, and when he got back something seemed different. He smiled more, he was happier and he texted me more. We talked a lot more than we ever did when we were dating. However, most of that consisted of sexting…but I still felt encouraged.

Finally, as I wrote in my last blog, my feelings for him started to grow again. I cried a little when I realized this, because I knew that our fun and carefree relationship would have to change. Either we’d have to get back together and give it another shot, or we’d have to stop our casual, sexy fun. A few things about the way he’s been treating me lately and showing up for me made me think that he might be up for getting back together.

He came over late Friday night and we had an amazing night together. When we woke up in the morning we tried anal sex for the first time! And it was awesome. But, I couldn’t get off. Normally, that gets me every time, but this time I just couldn’t get there. I took a bath after and I realized that I needed to talk to him about our relationship and that’s why I couldn’t relax and have an orgasm.

So, we talked. I was really proud of myself for having the courage to bring it up and I felt like I stood up for myself and said what I needed to say. I told him that I was starting to get more feelings for him. I didn’t know if that meant we should try to get back together, but I thought we should talk about it. He said he knew this day would come eventually, but he didn’t think it was a good idea to get back together. He said we’re too different and we don’t have enough in common. Plus, somewhere deep, down inside he just doesn’t feel that it’s right. I had to agree that if I really ask myself and my deepest knowing, then I don’t think we’re totally perfect for each other either.

Then, he said, “You know what really sucks? We’re going to have to stop doing this now.” And I knew he was right. The best thing we could do is stop hooking up and let the feelings calm down. I was surprised that he initiated that conversation, because I wasn’t even thinking that we needed to do that. But once he said it, I knew that he was right.

So, we spent a few more hours in bed making the most of our last hurrah. At one point he was touching me and it felt amazing. I was trying to let it go and have an orgasm, but instead I started crying. He held me and said, “It’s ok. Let it out.” I cried on his shoulder until we both fell asleep for awhile.

God. It makes it so much harder to end things when he’s being so sweet. At some point he said, “As much as I may act like an asshole sometimes, deep down I’m a nice guy and I don’t want to hurt you.”

It makes me cry again now, just remembering this. We cuddled in bed for a long time, then we took a shower together and I gave him a neck rub. Then I walked him to his car and we kissed goodbye. I said, “Try not to miss me too much.” He said, “You as well.” Then we kissed one more time and he drove away.

I had a massage appointment after that and I pretty much cried through the whole thing. Thankfully, my therapist knows he well and she was really cool. Then I bought some fast food including a chocolate milk shake and inhaled it on the couch while watching How I Met Your Mother.

I fell asleep off and on until I finally crawled into bed at 4 am. I hadn’t changed the sheets yet from all of our fun the night before, and I purposely slept on his side of the bed so that I could smell him again. Ouch. I really liked him. This hurts. Again.

And now I have to go to his house for a book club meeting. One of my best friends is his roommate and she’s making brunch for our book club. Yippee. At least there’ll be lots of good food. He’ll be sitting on the couch watching football. I’ll want to climb onto his lap. But I’ll resist because we’re done now.

Note to Self: Watch a Funny Movie Next Time

I just finished watching Blue Valentine. I suspected it might be a little sad, but I thought that Ryan Gosling’s handsome face would make the depressing theme worthwhile. Unfortunately, Ryan Gosling’s character is a sketchy, chain-smoking alcoholic with a receding hairline. At least, the movie goes back to when the main characters first met and he does look great in those scenes. Anyway, even his good looks weren’t worth watching this movie about a married couple who split up. So sad.

I’m mostly over Montana at this point. But I think that I should still avoid movies like this for a good couple weeks. I’m still just a bit fragile to not be overly affected by watching a breakup story.

Plus, tonight I’m a little sad because there was a guy who I met a couple weeks ago, right after Montana and I split up. He was cute and we kissed. Then we were texting last week and he said that he was going out of town until this Monday (two nights ago). He said that he wanted to hang out when he got back into town and mentioned that he had some days off this week so we could spend time together in the day or afternoon.

I was looking forward to seeing him because he seemed really nice. He was also cute and funny. I was hopeful because he talked to me about hanging out before he went away on vacation. Well, he’s been back for 2 days now and I haven’t heard from him at all. We haven’t communicated at all for 10 days. I’m thinking that I’m not going to hear from him now. I hate it when that happens. He seemed really excited about seeing me and that got me excited. I was counting down the days until he got back into town and I would see him again. Rats.

Should I text him? Probably not. I should wait around and make him do it. But I hate that. I’ll just assume that I won’t hear from him again and move on with my life. At least it was fun to have a little fantasy about going out with a nice guy. I’m disappointed but I’m sure that I’ll meet someone else soon.

My Summer Slump

I have had this feeling of anger/annoyance/frustration hovering around me for the last few days. I don’t really know what’s wrong, but it’s definitely not just one thing. This is even more annoying! Let’s investigate a few likely culprits and see if I can figure it out.

1. Summer. It’s hot. That’s definitely annoying. My neighborhood feels like a sauna and smells like dog shit everywhere I go. I am working part time, but I have waaay too much free time on my hands right now.

2. Summer job. I’m over it. I’ve been teaching Spanish to K-2nd graders for six weeks. I have only 2 days left and I’m so over it. Little kids are getting to me! Thank goodness I’ll be teaching 4th-8th this fall. The only thing that sounds worse that working the job for one more week is having absolutely nothing to do next week.

3. Too much free time. Even though I have this summer job which forces me to wake up at 6 am every morning, I feel like I have nothing to do. Even more, I feel like I should be doing something productive and amazing with all of this free time. But I’m not. I’m taking a lot of naps, drinking a shit load of vodka and occasionally blogging, doing yoga or studying Portuguese. Hey, that doesn’t sound so bad.

4. Insane expectations. What in the hell do I think I’m supposed to be doing with my time right now? Writing, doing yoga, reading, learning Portuguese and trying to progress through my Netflix queue all sound like fine ambitions to me. Why do I feel this deep restlessness where I am unable to enjoy any of these activities? I have this drive to be doing something and accomplishing something all the time. I start to feel like I’m missing something or I’m overlooking an important project that I need to finish. I’m afraid I’ll look back on my summer and regret the time that I spent fucking around when I could have been doing….something important…?

5. Short on money. Of course, there are all kinds of fun things going on all summer, but participating in any of them is difficult because my part time job barely pays my basic bills. Plus, my truck broke down twice and needed new brakes, starter and battery. Money stress and pressure sucks.

6. Still getting over Montana. Honestly, there are days when I think I’m totally over it already, which surprises me considering how much I liked him. And then there’s a day like today where I took a nap and had an incredibly vivid dream that he told me that he made a mistake and wanted me back. He wrapped his arms around me and I could feel his breath on my cheek. Then he kissed my neck. I tried to get away so that I could stop and think about whether getting back together was a good idea or not. But deep down I had this feeling that I would definitely give him another chance, I just needed to mull it over a little bit. Then I woke up and remembered that he does not want me back. Nor does he want to wrap his arms around me and kiss my neck with urgency. Balls.

7. Not sure what the future holds for Neighbor and me. He came over last night for the first time in 2 weeks. I had a wonderful time drinking and talking. He talked about trying to take care of himself first and then worry about others second. He’s noticed that he’s usually able to be better to others when he is doing what he needs to do for himself. I’m still thinking this over. Maybe I’m not doing that enough and that’s part of my frustration. Then, he actually did wrap his arms around me and kiss my neck. He picked me up and set my on my kitchen counter, lifted up my skirt and went down on me. Hot. The kind of hot that I like in the summer. Then we moved it to my bedroom and ended up in the most amazing sex position. We started out spooning, but then I somehow shifted to lie on my back and he was perpendicular to me lying on his side. We were looking into each other’s eyes and he kept touching my cheek tenderly. I’ve never done it with anyone before and that angle felt awesome for both of us. I couldn’t believe we found a new position after having sex for almost two years and the whole thing was so passionate. My only complaint was that even though he gave a valiant effort, I did not get off. He did, of course. And once he did, it was over. Frustrating. Today, I miss him and I want to see him again ASAP. It could have to do with my unfinished orgasm, or the fact that we had a wonderful night together despite it. What in the world? I haven’t had feelings like this for Neighbor in a really long time. Annoying.

8. My family’s communication break down and general passive aggressive bull shit. My mom has done a great job and lost a lot of weight in the last year. Almost 60 pounds. My grandma commented on the phone that she wonders if she should worry about my mom being sick because she looks too thin. Nothing and no one are ever right to my grandma. Before, my mom was too fat and now she’s too thin. Ugh.

In addition, I’m trying to plan a trip home at the same time as my 3 brothers so we can all be together. Ross, the oldest of the brothers, and his wife just lost a pregnancy at 5 months. Everyone is super bummed. They want to bury the remains in the mountains on some special family land. It’s actually where Ross proposed to her. At first, we thought that we would all go up together, say a prayer, have a picnic and whatnot. Then, we found out that they don’t want any of us to go along. They want to go, just the two of them. I don’t blame them for not wanting everyone there…but I don’t understand why they didn’t make that clear from the beginning. My aunt and uncle from California were making plans to fly out for this special day in the mountains. My grandma made snarky comments about the name that Ross chose for the tiny baby who was born sleeping. My dad was clearly hurt about being uninvited from the proceedings but refused to admit it. He wants to know where they will bury the remains, but refuses to ask Ross outright. I’m sad about the niece I’ll never know. And I wish they would all just talk to each other instead of bitching to me about their issues. I don’t like being the go-between.

Well, this concludes my list of possible culprits. Numbers 4, 5, 6 and 8 are probably the ones that are affecting me the most. I could tell while I was writing them that I had much stronger feelings about those entries. Now, I hope that I can get past it, be good to myself and attempt to enjoy the rest of my summer. Time to do some yoga.

A Breakup Epiphany

I think I’ve just had an epiphany. I’m home alone in my apartment today. Roommate is off having sex and decorating her boyfriend’s new apartment. I have plans with Charles the girl for later, but nothing to do all afternoon. I called my grandparents. I tried to call my brother. I texted a friend to see if she wanted to get coffee, but she hasn’t responded.

I’m feeling a little lonely and I see my Sunday stretching out before me in much the same manner. I made some progress reading a hefty fantasy book that my brother Wes recommended to me. I walked the dog 3 miles and worked up a sweat. I’m considering tackling some house work.

Really, what I want is to have someone here with me. I like the grounded feeling that another human presence brings. When I’m alone, I’m always thinking, “What should I do next?” When someone else is here, I’m talking with them about, “What are we going to do next?” Or, I’m living much more in the moment and I’m not even worried about it.

I was thinking along these lines and my mind somehow brought me to remember the best night that I ever had with Montana. Strangely, instead of feeling bummed out as I remembered the details, I was feeling happy reliving the memory. He called me, picked me up, gave me a kiss in the car and took me out for a drink. Then we went together to a mutual friend’s party. We ended up going out to a Mexican restaurant where he and I sat across from each other and played footsie the whole time. Then we got a taxi back to his truck and we cuddled up together in the back seat for the too-short ride. He said that he wanted me to come over the next afternoon when I finished what I needed to do that day.

Then, he drove me home and miraculously found a nearby parking spot which is an act of God on a Friday night. I had to take the dog out, so he got undressed and waited for me to get back. I love the memory of the moment when I walked back into my room and he was naked in my bed, slightly covered by a sheet with candles burning. Waiting for me. He said, “You were gone for a long time” as I crawled into bed and gave him a kiss. We decided to try and get some sleep and wait until the next afternoon to have sex. We fell asleep for awhile, but I remember waking up with him whispering, “I want to be inside you” and so it happened that night too.

We cuddled until his alarm went off at 6. He laid back down and spooned me for 20 minutes, then got up and left to meet up with some work friends. I drifted back off to sleep feeling so happy and anticipating seeing  him again in just a few short hours.

That was a Saturday morning. By the next Saturday night, I was a sobbing mess and Neighbor was trying to comfort me. I broke up with Montana over text the next day. Eight days after our wonderful, perfect, romantic night together, we were done.

Instead of feeling sad about this, I’m feeling so relieved. Since breaking up with Montana, I’ve doubted my judgement and felt that I was delusional to even think that anything good could come of hanging out with him. Now that I’ve remembered that one really perfect night, I know that I wasn’t crazy to think that he and I had something good. We did have a connection and when everything aligned, it was pretty great.

Remembering that night and thinking about the timing just makes me feel like the reason we broke up was him. The official story is that I freaked out and dumped him over text, then I opened up to reconcile and he didn’t want to. That hurts. Another layer of truth to this story is that he freaked out after that wonderful weekend we spent together. On some deep level he feels undeserving of having that connection with a woman or he doesn’t want to put in the time and effort that is needed in between amazing nights like that. For me, working at communicating and considering the other person is totally worth that body-melting, delicious connection that we shared. For him, I think he realized that he had something good and he might have to put out some effort in order to maintain it. And he didn’t want to. Or didn’t think that he deserved it, so sabotaged himself. Who knows. But, the fact that he admitted that he was already thinking that “we should go back to being friends” less than a week after that night…who does that?

Someone who doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it. Someone who’s not ready to love or be loved. Someone who doesn’t think he deserves it. Someone who doesn’t love himself.

Fortunately, I am no longer dating that guy. I want someone who’s ready, willing and able to love me and be loved by me. I’m ready to move on and I’m ready to stop doubting myself when I recall my relationship with Montana. From now on, I’ll tell myself that I saw the good in him and the potential for us to be together. He gave me occasional glimpses that he might be on the same page, so I waited patiently (most of the time!). When shit got real, it turns out that I was ready and he wasn’t. So, moving on to a guy who is ready.

Still feeling angry. Trying to let go.

I’m angry, and I want to stop. I realize that a lot of my anger is based on assumptions that may or may not be true, and thinking about my past actions which I can’t change.

Anger-inducing assumptions:

1. Montana doesn’t care about me.
2. Montana never wanted to date me in the first place.
3. Montana wanted out for a long time before he told me.

Past actions that I can’t change:

1. I pushed for this relationship to happen.
2. I did most of the work to try to get us together.
3. I got my hopes up that he might be a really good match for me.
4. I doubted myself after I decided to break up with him.

In addition, I feel humiliated on some level. I feel so stupid that I started to fall for this guy when it now appears that he was never that into me to begin with. I was about to fall in love and he was barely even in like. I’m definitely feeling rejected, but there’s also a level of shame that I put my heart out there and let myself feel something.

I don’t know where that shame comes from, but it’s a topic that I’ve thought of writing about for a long time. I feel like it’s shameful and embarrassing to fall in love. Those thoughts probably have something to do with my family and how important it was to control your emotions at all times. Falling in love is supposed to feel out of control, that’s why it’s called “falling”, right? I would imagine that for most human, sentient beings, there are a lot of emotions involved. And things don’t always work out, of course. That’s all normal and part of life.

But why does it feel so embarrassing to me? It’s not just what happened in this particular case when I was rejected. I feel embarrassed by even the thought of it. I guess it feels like I’m being overindulgent if I have the strong emotions of caring for someone and then I also have strong emotions of hurt and anger when it doesn’t work out. I have this inner critic that tells me that I need to be controlled and neutral without getting upset about anything. That’s impossible to do at any point, especially when falling in love.

I’d really like to be more open with my emotions. I’d like the feel the good ones like caring for someone and also notice the less pleasant ones like anger. I’d like to experience them without that inner judgement that comes from the voice of my parents. This is just one more reason why Montana wasn’t a good match for me. He never seemed to experience any emotions except occasional anger. How could I have allowed myself to become more in touch with my emotions if I continued to date a man like that? I couldn’t have. So, now I know that the best thing about my relationship with Montana was that it was short.

Plus, as of last night, Neighbor is home from his 10 day trip. I imagine we’ll be spending some quality time together soon. And that might help to distract me from my anger.

Enraged letter to Montana

I just finished watching my guilty pleasure, The Bachelorette. Maybe it was all the love in the air, the brutal rejection of the guy at the end or the 3 glasses of wine, 1 beer and 1 vodka cocktail that I’ve had tonight, but I’m annoyed. I love to write letters to people that I will never send. But it feels even better to put them out into cyberspace for someone else to read. So, here goes.

Dear Montana,

For future reference, if you have a break-up conversation with a girl, please don’t tell her, “There’s nothing to be sad about.” You don’t know how she’s feeling. You don’t know that the last night you spent together, she ended up in this really uncomfortable position while you were spooning her. You were sleeping so peacefully that she didn’t want to squirm around and disturb you. So, she just told herself that she was ok with being uncomfortable and awake because it meant that she got to enjoy more moments with you.

So, imagine this same girl finding out a couple weeks later that you were already thinking that you and she should just be friends. That same night that she was foregoing sleep and showing up late to work for you, you were thinking that you wanted out and you didn’t want to commit to her, even just to date for awhile and see what would happen. And then, imagine her slowly realizing that it probably wasn’t just that night when you suddenly realized that you didn’t want to do this with her. It was probably that night back in May when you didn’t call her when you said you would. That was the night that you weren’t invested and she was.

So, obviously, that girl is me. Thanks for leading me on and wasting the perfectly good months of May and June. I don’t really expect you to understand, since it seems that you have a tiny robot heart. But, for the rest of us who actually have feelings, “There’s nothing to be sad about” is not an appropriate statement when you are finally breaking up with someone who you never really liked in the first place. For me, there is something to be sad about: the fact that I ever got my hopes up about you.

Enjoy your convenient life where no one ever demands anything of you,

Vanessa

I thought I dumped him, but it seems that he just dumped me…?

When I write a post about the lessons I learned from dating Montana, this will be included:

Don’t meet up with an almost-ex to discuss your relationship over Sunday morning brunch.

Why not? Here’s what’s bound to happen: You will drink too many bloody marys because you’re nervous. Then, you’ll probably continue to drink because you’re sad. After that you’ll be a drunk flaky sister and keep your brothers waiting at the bowling alley while you beg your roommate to drive your sorry, drunk ass to meet them. Then, you’ll bowl the worst game of your life and continue drinking cheap bowling alley beer. Your roommate will leave you to hang out with her boyfriend and you’ll be alone drinking more beer. You’ll call a couple friends for sympathy but probably embarrass yourself because you’ve been drinking for hours. Then, you’ll pass out only to wake up at 11 pm finding yourself surrounded by tissues and barely able to open your eyes because they’re so swollen from crying.

Yes, that all happened. Yesterday was not my finest day. So, what did Montana say to put me over the edge like this?

I showed up at the bar and Wimbledon was on TV. He could barely tear his eyes from the TV to look at me, but as soon as I sat down he said, “So what happened last weekend?” He was referring to my texting tirade that resulted in our breakup.

I said, “Can we wait to talk about it until I get my bloody mary?” He agreed, but did not order one for himself. He didn’t order anything, just sat and drank water. That really bothered me. Why not have a drink with me? Or at least order something?

So, they we proceeded to chat briefly while I drank my bloody mary, but we mostly sat in uncomfortable silence while he watched Wimbledon. I was getting more nervous by the minute. Waiting to drink before talking was not helpful, it just tightened up my nerves even more.

Finally, I said, “I find it hard to talk to you.”

He laughed and said, “Why? Am I intimidating?”

I almost wanted to cry because I was already getting emotional. I said, “No, I just start to get emotional and then I feel really stupid.”

He said, “You shouldn’t feel stupid about that. If you don’t tell me, then I don’t know.”

“Ok, I’m already upset. Can you please go first? What do you think about last weekend?”

“Well, we saw each other on Thursday night, and I told you I was busy all weekend. I really was busy working the entire weekend on getting my house ready for my friends to visit. So when you texted on Sunday, I told you that I was busy. Then you seemed to get angry and the texts escalated from there. But I really was busy, I wasn’t just blowing you off for nothing.”

I just nodded. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t consider him cleaning his house to be “busy” enough to not be available to talk to me at all for an entire weekend. But I didn’t say that. I rarely told him what I really thought.

He asked, “So, what did you want to talk to me about that morning?”

Finally, I said something that had truly been on my mind. “I was just getting tired of not knowing when I might see you again. When you said you were busy that weekend I didn’t know if that meant that I wouldn’t see you or talk to you at all or if you might want me to help you with some of the house projects. It’s been getting to me for a long time that I never know when I’ll see you again or when to expect to hear from you, so that was all I wanted to say to you at first.”

He said, “Well, I don’t think I’m ready to give you everything that you want and need right now. I think it’s better if we go back to just being friends.”

I stared at my lap and blinked so that I wouldn’t cry. I couldn’t look at him. I felt like he was dumping me, even though I had already dumped him. For some reason, I didn’t expect this from him. I hoped that he might want to work it out and that we’d just had a horrible miscommunication. Clearly not.

He said, “We can still be friends and hang out. I had a really great time with you.”

I said, “I had a good time too. Well, most of the time I did.”

He said, “I just felt like I was frustrating you every week, and I don’t want to keep doing that.”

I just nodded. He didn’t frustrate me every week. More like every other week. But I just nodded and kept staring down, trying not to cry. He was so clearly unemotional and unaffected by the whole thing that I just felt so foolish about getting emotional.

Then, he said the line that I can’t get out of my head. I want to kick him when I think about this. He said, “There’s no reason to be sad here.”

I finally looked at him, but then I just blinked. He did shock me out of my teary state, but put me into an angry one. Of course, I didn’t say anything. I might have muttered a weak, “Yeah.”

For him there was no reason to be sad because he apparently has no feelings. I think it’s sad when you invest time and energy into someone and then find out that it’s not a good match. To me, even a short relationship usually draws a few tears when it ends. I get my hopes up and then want to cry when I’m disappointed.

He changed the subject and we chatted about mundane things like my dog and my air conditioner. Finally, I said, “So, here’s the story that I’m going to tell myself about us: we gave it a shot, found out that we weren’t a good match, so now we’re going to go back to being friends. Does that sound accurate? I just want to clarify so that I don’t fuck with my own head later.”

He said, “Yeah, definitely don’t internalize this and worry about it. Even if it weren’t for those texts last Sunday, I was already kind of thinking that we should probably just be friends.”

Me: “YOU WERE? WHEN?”

Him: “Oh…Thursday night.”

Me: “Ohhhh, I KNEW something was weird that night! Well, that instinct probably contributed to me freaking out on that Sunday.”

Him: “Yeah, probably.” Grrr, I was feeling so annoyed at this point. He WAS about to break up with me the whole time and I sensed it. No wonder he let me do it over text. I twas an easy out for him. God, I wish he’d said something earlier and saved me the struggle and self doubt.

Me: “I’m ordering another drink.”

More pointless chatter…

Me: “I’m texting Roommate to come over here.”

More chatting…

Finally, he said, “Do you want me to leave you to have your third drink with Roommate?”

I was back in the staring-at-my-lap zone, “Yes.”

Him: “Well, give me a hug at least.” I did even though I didn’t really want to.

He said, “I promise I’ll fix that curtain rod for you soon too.” I just smiled because I figured he would never fix it and I didn’t want him to. He hung that curtain for me on the night that I made him a romantic dinner and we had sex for the first time. I was so happy about it because the curtain looked great and I was thrilled to be with a man who was handy. A few days later, one of the screws pulled out of the wall and the bracket is hanging by a thread. The rod is still hanging up but it’s crooked and it looks stupid. I feel like the stupid curtain rod is a metaphor for our relationship. It seemed really great at first, but then it just went wrong and it didn’t work.

I think I’ll ask Neighbor to fix my curtain. 😉