Pain is weakness leaving the body…?

I’m still trying to process this turn of events. I already wrote a blog this morning about my breakup with Montana, but then I ended up calling in sick to work. I was hung over as shit and my breakfast cereal was not agreeing with my stomach. I could not picture myself happily performing my duties and clowning around for little kids in that state. So, I emailed that I wouldn’t be showing up. I hope they’re not too inconvenienced.

Now I feel better and I wish I was there. Being home alone in this silent apartment really sucks. I should have written to say I’d be late and slept it off for another hour and then gone in.

I wish that I could talk to someone. I don’t know why, but that always helps so much. One friend is going to meet me for lunch in a couple hours and another said she’d give me a call when her son goes down for a nap. Talking about it and getting sympathy feels so good. I know that I did the right thing and I’m proud of myself for getting out of the relationship when it became so clear that it wasn’t working. But it just feels so good when other people say that back to me and confirm it.

I also want to talk because the whole thing happened so suddenly. I almost don’t believe it. The end was so abrupt and harsh. I don’t know how to process it, so talking to friends helps a lot. My guy friend Red was at the bar with me when I got the infamous “Ok” text back from Montana. I burst into tears and poor Red didn’t know what to do. He said, “I have no respect for that guy any more.” That was nice to hear. Having him on my side felt good.

I knocked on Neighbor’s door last night and told him the news. He said that he really needed a shower and I should come back in 30 minutes to talk more. When I came back, I knocked several times. I heard his dog come to the door, but he didn’t. I walked my dog and came back to his door to knock again. No answer. I texted him to let him know I tried and he wrote back this morning to say that he laid down intending to wait for me to come back over and must have fallen asleep. Lame. But understandable. I asked if we could talk tonight because he’s leaving tomorrow for a week or so. He said he’s got plans but will text me when he gets home. So, not really sure if I’ll see him or not. I would think he would be excited about the fact that I’m single and available to him again. Obviously, I really can’t depend on these guys in my life. I’d like to find someone dependable.

My roommate keeps telling me that I liked the idea of dating Montana more than I actually liked him. I think she’s right. Feeling like I had a boyfriend again was wonderful. Being in a committed relationship made me so hopeful and optimistic for the future. When I was emailing with my family last week about Christmas plans, I could picture the day that I wouldn’t go home alone for Christmas. I looked forward to the time when I would bring a man with me who was a great friend and would help be a buffer as I deal with my family. Now that I’m single again, it’s harder to be optimistic and think that way, even though it’s all still true. I’m actually one step closer to finding that man and being with him, because I’m available now and not wasting time with the wrong one. I’d just like to keep that mindset and that optimism about the future, despite being alone.

I’ve been working so hard on visualizing and concentrating on what I want instead of what I don’t want. While I was with Montana, I found that really hard to do. I thought it was me spazzing out about having a boyfriend. Now, I also think that this particular boyfriend just wasn’t a good match and I won’t have to spaz out as much when I find a guy who’s a good fit. I’m definitely a step closer to finding the guy who I really want to be with. If I could combine my favorite traits of Montana, Neighbor and Red into one person, I’d probably have the perfect guy for me. Thinking about that makes me feel better. I actually feel really good in this moment. I’m free and I can concentrate on my own life. No more waiting around for phone calls that never come or being disappointed by dates that don’t include fulfilling conversations. I can hook up with Neighbor whenever. No more feeling like I’m giving up more than he is or worrying that I’m more invested than he is. This is really good. It really is the best thing for me. I’m glad that I confronted him and ended it without letting things continue disappointing me.

I wanted a guy with a big heart. I actually had a medium tell me that I have a big, beautiful heart and the guys who I’ve been with don’t, so they’re not a good match. She said that she did see a big-hearted man coming into my life eventually. I thought that Montana might be it, but he clearly wasn’t. He does not have a big heart. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have ended like it did. He has a tiny heart. And I’m trying not to get down on myself that I invested my own heart in another tiny-hearted man. I didn’t know. At first, several signs pointed to him having a big heart, so I couldn’t tell. That is supposed to be the purpose of dating. To give someone a chance and then bail if it’s not working out. That’s what I did and I don’t want to let myself have regrets.