Still feeling angry. Trying to let go.

I’m angry, and I want to stop. I realize that a lot of my anger is based on assumptions that may or may not be true, and thinking about my past actions which I can’t change.

Anger-inducing assumptions:

1. Montana doesn’t care about me.
2. Montana never wanted to date me in the first place.
3. Montana wanted out for a long time before he told me.

Past actions that I can’t change:

1. I pushed for this relationship to happen.
2. I did most of the work to try to get us together.
3. I got my hopes up that he might be a really good match for me.
4. I doubted myself after I decided to break up with him.

In addition, I feel humiliated on some level. I feel so stupid that I started to fall for this guy when it now appears that he was never that into me to begin with. I was about to fall in love and he was barely even in like. I’m definitely feeling rejected, but there’s also a level of shame that I put my heart out there and let myself feel something.

I don’t know where that shame comes from, but it’s a topic that I’ve thought of writing about for a long time. I feel like it’s shameful and embarrassing to fall in love. Those thoughts probably have something to do with my family and how important it was to control your emotions at all times. Falling in love is supposed to feel out of control, that’s why it’s called “falling”, right? I would imagine that for most human, sentient beings, there are a lot of emotions involved. And things don’t always work out, of course. That’s all normal and part of life.

But why does it feel so embarrassing to me? It’s not just what happened in this particular case when I was rejected. I feel embarrassed by even the thought of it. I guess it feels like I’m being overindulgent if I have the strong emotions of caring for someone and then I also have strong emotions of hurt and anger when it doesn’t work out. I have this inner critic that tells me that I need to be controlled and neutral without getting upset about anything. That’s impossible to do at any point, especially when falling in love.

I’d really like to be more open with my emotions. I’d like the feel the good ones like caring for someone and also notice the less pleasant ones like anger. I’d like to experience them without that inner judgement that comes from the voice of my parents. This is just one more reason why Montana wasn’t a good match for me. He never seemed to experience any emotions except occasional anger. How could I have allowed myself to become more in touch with my emotions if I continued to date a man like that? I couldn’t have. So, now I know that the best thing about my relationship with Montana was that it was short.

Plus, as of last night, Neighbor is home from his 10 day trip. I imagine we’ll be spending some quality time together soon. And that might help to distract me from my anger.